Step Three

Turned my life and my will over to the care of my higher power, as I understand it to be.

In Step Two we “Came to realize” or believe that there is a higher power. Whether a deity, or a concept that you generated; it is above you, greater and more powerful than you. In Step Three we are now willing to turn our life and will over to that higher power; “AS WE UNDERSTAND IT TO BE”. I capitalize that last part because when I first saw the steps, I saw the word “God” and missed the last part. I failed in my first two attempts in sobriety because I held a resentment towards “God” for the death of my sister, my life and therefore my alcoholism. All could not be further from the truth.  I did have my higher power though and I knew when I was in control, I drove my life into the ground.

Giving up control? That was a big ask! I am a control freak. That is the problem though, I would decide and that was it. Was it a good decision? Didn’t matter because I would not admit defeat. I was also a controller, a “fixer” although I prefer the term; “Nurturer.” I collected other people’s problems. I would try to fix them and usually just made them worse. It allowed me to focus on them and not me. My problems were always pushed down the priority list.

So, when found my higher power and decided that yes, there is one I have seen the “god shots”; I yelled in my mind, “You do not want me dead, I really do not want me alive so what the hell do you want from me?!” I almost instantly felt a small amount of peace and a sense of, it will come work on your sobriety. Get yourself back on your feet. I felt that in my stomach, I had a gut feeling. I realized that it was the gut feelings that I needed to follow. I looked back on some of my decisions and that when I went with my gut feeling, which was a small percent, my decisions usually had a positive outcome. When I went against the gut feeling, the outcome was punitive or negative in some way. So, for now on, I will follow my gut.

Why did I not follow my gut feeling all the time? I had no confidence in myself. I was afraid to take risks. I thought my mind was trying to sabotage me. Ever thought that way?

Listen with an open mind and heart to your higher power. Let the information come to you and not direct or fool yourself in your prayer or meditation. It is easy to pray for the loss to come back. You will be disappointed and more depressed. You will build a false resentment to your higher power if you do. Rather, pray or meditate for guidance and strength for the day. Just for today. Then stay silent and listen. Let you mind take you where it wants to go. I have found so many answers using this method. I am not saying it is the right way, just that it worked for me.

In grieving, we may ask that we give our lives and will to our HP to heal. Heal the soul and keep it safe. Many may believe that the loss of a loved one means that they are already with God. We may pray that the person feels our hug or hear the “I love and miss you” in out prayer. But again, we are also asking for guidance and strength. How can we manifest the love we have for the person or object a different way? How do we ease the pain and remove the suffering? I therefore give myself to my HP to guide me, to follow my gut feeling, (for me).