Step Nine


Make direct amends whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others


This is indeed an action step! We take the list from Step Eight and proceed to make amends. Note the part of this step; “except when to do so would injure them or others.” There may be scenarios where offering to make things right might not be the best thing. The “let sleeping dogs lie” scenario. For example, if an affair had occurred and the spouse was not aware. Letting the cat out of the bag now is probably not the greatest of ideas.

Also, very important, making amends is not just apologizing. Typically, an amends goes along the lines of “<name> Right after _________ passed away, I was so overwhelmed by my grief and loss that you tried to relate to me by ______________. I was offended at the time because I felt it was not an apt comparison and it minimized my pain to a degree. I appreciate you wanting to empathize with me and wanted you to know that I held this resentment. Is there anything I can do to make this right with you?

Another important factor is that forgiveness is on their time not yours’. Some may not be ready to hear the amends offer at all. This could be by you or of you are doing it by proxy. Look at the situation.

Amends is for you not them. If performing proxy work, it is the same thing, it is for the proxy and you, not the other party. This helps remove those feelings of open items, feelings of guilt and is one of the biggest reasons we suffer from the pain of loss.