Came to believe that a power greater then myself would allow me find acceptance and restore me sanity
There are two key points to step two. First, “A power greater than myself.” At a time of loss and deep grieving, many will turn to their faith and prayer. However, what do many of us pray for? To bring back the loss? To make the pain go away? Some will ask for that final conversation to say goodbye? What if these prayers are not answered? Do we build a resentment to the deity that is prayed to?
What if the loss is not a person? What if it is a divorce or an item? Then we may pray for a second chance? To change or “change the error of our ways”. To have the other see what they are giving up? Some may even pray revenge scenarios. For an item it may be to find a way to get it back someday or at least something similar. Until then we are obsessing in grief over that object.
Then there are those of us who are agnostic or atheist. Maybe do not subscribe to one specific religion. What do we do?
All we have to do is “Believe” that there is a power greater the ourselves. That we cannot and do not have the ability to handle the deep loss and deeper grieving by ourselves. That all in this step. Just believe that there is a higher power. Many of us sought professional counseling, as we should have. We may have been diagnosed with such afflictions as PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. Therefore, we have been prescribed medication. As we should have. This is all part of our program. Deep mental conditions can have a physical impact as well if not treated by counseling and medication. I still suffer from some physical ailments from my PTSD. Confusion, short term memory issues, balance and disassociation.
Now, what would your higher power be? If it is indeed any of the religious deity’s; you are probably leaning heavily on it. If you have developed a resentment, we will talk about that in Step Three. If you do not subscribe to a religion or are agnostic/atheist; maybe you are spiritual? There is a big difference between being religious and spiritual. I was one of these people. I had a held a resentment towards the two faiths I practiced in my path. It was only when I became sober in a homeless shelter, broken and having survived three serious suicide attempts that I literally just threw my life towards the universe saying, “You don’t want me dead and I don’t want to be here, so you better have a plan!” That last word I used you cannot print. I did however start to get “god shots”. My sponsor just happened to volunteer at the shelter, he did not know I was there. We reconnected and I restarted my step-work. I started getting call backs for jobs. I was performing service work at the shelter. Kitchen duty, sweeping and mopping floors, I went to my AA meetings even when I was commuting three hours each way to work and working full time.
I realized the more kind I was, it was being returned to me. My higher power was Karma, the Golden Rule. Finally, when I discovered who I was and felt love for myself, my higher power included love as well. My higher power is placing positivity and love into the universe and asking the same in return. If I do not get it, it does not mean I do not deserve it. It simply means it was not meant to be. If I were to place a belief, it would be nearest to Buddhism. So, hearing this, what would your higher power be?
The second word in Step Two is “Accept”. What are we accepting? Ae we coming to accept as in the final phase of the Five Phases of Grief? Not necessarily. I may never accept that my daughter is gone. I speak to her way too much. I do accept that there will always be a pain. A pain in my heart for her. The goal of the steps and GA is to understand this and that we will not suffer from this pain. It is OK to feel this pain. We would not be human in some respects if we did not feel this pain.
I feel pain for my daughter because I miss her. I miss my daughter because I love her. To quote The Buddha, “Love is Pain”. I lost the physical ability, the manifestation to express my love to my daughter. My pain is selfish, I know that. How can I let that go? That is one of the things I must accept. I must accept that I must find an alternative way to express my love.
Step Two is the step where we open our mind to believing. We simply believe that there is a power greater then ourselves, however you may understand that to be; and that higher power will help lead you to find acceptance. A level of acceptance that will remove the suffering from your pain.